I think my dad is dying

I think my dad is dying. He is only 63 years old, but everyone who knows him is honestly surprised that he's still alive with all the drugs, alcohol and substances he's abused in his lifetime. He is saved, thank God, because that is my only comfort right now. 

I sit in the room next to his (he lives with me and my husband), and I listen to him snoring, crying, laughing, yelling, moaning and cheering in his room everyday. I want to be close in case he falls or yells for me.

I can tell you from experience now, that alcoholism, fear and stubbornness make up the trifecta of death. It may not be a fast death, but it's death none the less. I heard from a Hospice coordinator that Alcohol is the one substance that will make you feel good while it's killing you. This is the truth. And you'll feel good, until suddenly you don't, but by then the damage is done and it's too late to go back.

Dad told me on February 22nd of 2022, that he knew 2 years ago that he was dying, and didn't want to tell us because he didn't want to worry us or be a burden. Looking back now, it makes sense that he knew. He didn't want to get the COVID-19 vaccine, because he said he wasn't healthy enough and I was so confused because he was EXTREMELY scared of getting COVID-19 or passing it onto us unknowingly. When I say extremely scared, I mean to the point of paranoia. He would spray bleach on every surface that he or someone outside had touched. He would tell us things like "You're fucking stupid" for going to a graduation gathering outside. I understand his behavior now. Oh boy, do I understand. If he knew he was dying, then a doctor would know he was dying, as would a pharmacist, and he wouldn't be healthy enough for a vaccine. Also, if he did try to go get one, the gig would be up and he would have to accept that he was dying and he would have to tell me. I know it's not logical, but fear makes a person do illogical things. Heck, my dad had the trifecta going on, so no wonder his behavior was alarming!

To complicate matters, Dad has a clotting disease of unknown origin, so he takes the blood thinner Warfarin. While taking this drug, one is required to get their INR levels checked frequently at first, to make sure the drug is working as intended and that it isn't thinning the blood too little or too much. Once a stable level is achieved, the person is only required to do checks every month or 6 weeks. In 2016 Dad had blood clots break off from his legs and travel to his lungs where they broke up further and traveled to his heart. He thought he was dying and so after 7 long years of sobriety he started drinking again, because if he was dying he might as well go out with a bang. That's Dad for you! He didn't die, obviously and he's been living with us since he received successful TPA for the clots, which was 6 years ago now. 

When he moved in, he had very few possessions and he didn't have an income, so he helped us out around the inside and outside of the house until he was able to get retirement income about 2 years ago. My dad is, and always has been, a generous person with a big heart, so when he started receiving his retirement, he gave us half of his retirement for rent and utilities, over and beyond what a normal person would. He was always the nice guy, to his own detriment. He's told me countless stories of his entourage and friends taking advantage of his giving nature. He was always giving and always addicted to something, whether it was scratch tickets, alcohol, cocaine, speed, or sugar, which meant that he had never been able to save much money, he doesn't own a home or a vehicle, and he wasn't even able to get life insurance. His regrets are substantial, which is putting it lightly. 

Now that his health is failing, he alternates between laughing and crying with more frequency. He is also very volatile and can switch from docile and sad, to mad and fighting, in a matter of minutes. Anything can and does set him off. The morning of  February 24th, I went into his room to check on him and he was talking to himself while sleeping. I was able to easily wake him up to check on him and he was calm and talking about how weird it is to be talking to people who have passed and seeing things that end up not being there. I explained that all of it was normal, because the veil between the living and the dead is thinning for him, so to not be alarmed when he sees things or talks to someone who has died. After this conversation, I went to the restroom to put my contacts in and use the toilet, and when I came out Dad called for me to come to him, so I went in and asked him what was up and he told me to never use the "D" word again (dying, dead, die) and to never ask him if he's going to hit me when he gets mad and up in my face, because he would never in a million years hit me. I explained why I ask him that, because there have been a number of things I didn't think he would do to me, that he ended up doing and that in the past I had witnessed him hit mom, which he justified only doing after she had hit him and I explained that, one night, as a little girl of 6 or 7, I had witnessed him chasing mom and catching her, picking her up and throwing her on a pile of firewood, which she fell off of and onto the concrete pathway; she had bruises for weeks. This incidence will be burned into my memory for my whole life, and he tells me he doesn't remember it. Talk about adding insult to injury. My mom, sister and I ended up in a women's shelter and this began our life without my dad. I hated him for years. During this recent conversation, Dad also asked me for his gun back and I immediately said no. There is no amount of begging or pleading that will make me give it back to him, even if it doesn't work. I explained to him that I'm not giving it back and he said that he'll just leave then. I told him he can barely make it to the kitchen and back, he said he would wait for his next payday and I said he may not make it that long. He didn't believe me, so I told him that the only way he will leave here is in an ambulance, because I'll call them when he's unconscious. He laughed at that. I ended the conversation then because he clearly wasn't being rational and only wanted to fight. After a bit of time, I went back in with part of a banana as a peace offering and he is back to his old jovial self. 

This episode has taught me that I will not get any resolution to any past hurts anymore and there will be no value in bringing them up. Dad's denial is his coping mechanism, as is his drinking, so I will let him have them from here on out. I'm going to manage my own feelings separate from Dad, as I cannot be certain that they won't set him off. I will just have to wait until he gets to a point that he can't get up from bed to pee and I'll call an ambulance. Hopefully they can treat him and release him to me so he can die at home with hospice.